A couple of months ago, I joined the Nerd Fitness Academy. This was in an effort to tackle something probably at least fourteen years in the making: getting a real handle on my health. I made some headway, but then I came to a place in the mindset courses that was about ‘finding the big WHY.’ Why do you want to change. Why do I want to take charge of myself physically. And I would get stuck.
Honestly, this post has taken days to write. I always think I’m set to start and then I start writing about my body, and sadness takes over. That should be pretty telling.
There are two things that have been a constant in my life:
1. I’ve always been fat.
2. I’ve always been conflicted about that fact.
There was one point where I was at least ‘average’ and I attained it by very unhealthy means (hey there, puberty! Oh, weird body changes *and* crippling anxiety/depression? Yes please). Otherwise, I’ve always been on the larger end.
I’ve faced the ‘Aw man, you would be great if you lost weight,’ and I’ve heard the ‘He’s not into fat chicks.’ I used to hate seeing pictures of myself. I’m still squeamish. On an average day, I’m passably content, but I’ve never really loved my physical self.
And what’s worse, when I feel like I want to go out and experience the world, I’m always afraid that I’ll be stopped short on account of my weight.
I don’t want to live like that anymore. I’m tired of worrying and being unhappy.
I want to be able to do things without thinking ‘is my body capable?’ I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to go to the doctor’s office without that pit of dread in my stomach. I want to feel like I have a handle on my body.
So that is…really why I’m here. I’m nervous. I’m excited.
And I’m about to hit ‘post’ before I lose my nerve.