Monthly Archives: September 2016

A Weight Off My Shoulders

A couple of months ago, I joined the Nerd Fitness Academy. This was in an effort to tackle something probably at least fourteen years in the making: getting a real handle on my health. I made some headway, but then I came to a place in the mindset courses that was about ‘finding the big WHY.’ Why do you want to change. Why do I want to take charge of myself physically. And I would get stuck.

Honestly, this post has taken days to write. I always think I’m set to start and then I start writing about my body, and sadness takes over. That should be pretty telling.

There are two things that have been a constant in my life:

1. I’ve always been fat.
2. I’ve always been conflicted about that fact.

There was one point where I was at least ‘average’ and I attained it by very unhealthy means (hey there, puberty! Oh, weird body changes *and* crippling anxiety/depression? Yes please). Otherwise, I’ve always been on the larger end.

I’ve faced the ‘Aw man, you would be great if you lost weight,’ and I’ve heard the ‘He’s not into fat chicks.’ I used to hate seeing pictures of myself. I’m still squeamish. On an average day, I’m passably content, but I’ve never really loved my physical self.

And what’s worse, when I feel like I want to go out and experience the world, I’m always afraid that I’ll be stopped short on account of my weight.

I don’t want to live like that anymore. I’m tired of worrying and being unhappy.

I want to be able to do things without thinking ‘is my body capable?’ I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to go to the doctor’s office without that pit of dread in my stomach. I want to feel like I have a handle on my body.

So that is…really why I’m here. I’m nervous. I’m excited.

And I’m about to hit ‘post’ before I lose my nerve.

A Little Something

Trying to sort of organize myself creatively speaking, so here is just something small. A pair of haikus inspired by the nice break in weather we’ve been having in Pittsburgh.

:: #Sunset at #RiverviewPark in #Pittsburgh with #deer flocking around the #Observatory.

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The sun still shines down
But it has become friends with
The promise of fall.

The still-green grass grows
Slower now, preparing for
The leaves’ homecoming.

Travel Alone

Gorgeous view of #Hoboken and #WorldTradeCenter practically across the street from my hotel in #NewYorkCity.

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This past week, I took two days off before the long Labor Day weekend, and I went to New York City.

When I tell people this, the immediate question is a variation of, “Who did you go with?” So like, “Was it you and your husband?” or “Did you go with friends?” or, my favorite, “You went by yourself?” The last one comes with an incredulous, slack-jawed expression that I would imagine one might get when they share that they decided to try hillbilly hand-fishing.

I try not to make too much of a face at this point, because I’ve gotten used to this line of questioning. My husband doesn’t like to travel. I do. So instead of sitting around moping or, worse, haranguing him into it and ultimately dealing with the adult form of ‘are we there yet?’ (‘there’ being ‘back home and not in a strange city I don’t like’), I go by myself.

Traveling alone is wonderful, and I recommend it to everyone. You don’t have to necessarily go eight hours on a tiny bus to one of the busiest metropolitan melting pots in the world, sure, but there is something to be said for the experience of self-reliance and happy spontaneity. Every second is a multiple choice question that you get to answer:

Do I want to:
A) Go to the top of the One World Trade Center Observatory and eat a grilled cheese sandwich while I listen to fifty different languages all being awestruck around me?
B) Ride the Staten Island Ferry and take a billion tourist-tastic pictures of the Statue of Liberty?
C) Sit in the park across the street from a bohemian hotel next to a sleeping puppy and read while the sun goes down over Hoboken?
D) Take my pants off and eat a burrito-sized sushi roll in bed while watching re-runs of Bob’s Burgers?

The correct answer was all the freaking above.

Ask yourself when the last time was that you let your feet take you wherever you want to go, instead of basing their path on the whims of a companion. Imagine all the stores and pockets of magic you wouldn’t have to skip because there’s no one to compromise with.

Sure, it may be a bit intimidating to be with yourself for a while in a place you potentially aren’t too familiar with, but I think it’s a challenge worth taking.

In fact, I dare you.