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40 Days: Scaring Myself

I genuinely thought that the Zoloft would make me…100x more productive. I’m not really sure why I thought that, but I always figured that what was holding me back and blocking me creatively was my anxiety. I’ve found I was wrong.

In reading “The Artist’s Way,” I’ve come to realize that I am, in fact, blocked by criticizing voices I have surrounded myself with over the past few years. It used to be that I could write and write and share it with people and life would be good. Then, all of a sudden, I started receiving…criticism. People spent more time pointing out what was wrong with my writing than what was good about it. It started sometime in college and persisted forward, a wall of voices that had naught but little, passive aggressive (sometimes just plain aggressive) phrases.

This is absolutely not to say that I don’t want to know how to improve my writing. I do. I welcome feedback. But I feel like I’ve gotten to a point that there isn’t anyone just telling me, “This is great! I want to see more!” Instead, 4 out of 5 voices go, “It’s good, but it needs work.”

Without me even realizing it, I started becoming blocked because I started to become afraid of my own words.

Well.

These past two days, I challenged myself to do two very terrifying things: I applied for a contract with a website to write what would basically be a choose-your-own-adventure book, and I applied to be a Google Glass Explorer.

If you don’t know what Google Glass is…here:

I put together an album of 5 photos (which can be viewed here — Like it while you’re there!) and a list of five things I would do.

The application for the writing contract required that I re-do my writing resume, but I’m very pleased with the results.

Both of these things would come at high risks and costs: the contract would mean committing to a piece of at least 50,000 words, the Google Glass exploration would cost $1500 and a trip to NYC. However, I think both would potentially be healthy for me as an artist and as a person.

So…I guess we’ll see.

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